Reclaiming Lich-King Jesus for the Faith

Christianity has a long history of taking things that were used to mock it and using it for good.  The term “Christian” was originally an insult directed at Christians during the persecutions against them.  Lately there has been an abundance of things on the internet referencing “Zombie Jesus”.  Usually this comes up around Easter time, but I’ve seen a lot of it lately as well.  Now, I contend that the proper form of address is “Lich-King Jesus” and I shall tell you why.

First, let’s compare some of the major differences between Zombies and Liches really quick: (To be clear, I’m using the classic Romero Zombie, though many of these traits apply to other kinds.)

• Zombies retain little to no memory of their life before undeath.  They are creatures motivated by instinct and hunger.    Liches, on the other hand do, and in fact this retention of memory is the primary reason for the existence of liches in the first place.
• Zombies don’t move very quick.  The “zombie shamble” has been either explained by limited onset of rigor mortis or fragility of zombie ankles.  Liches lack this locomotive disability.
• In a one on one fight, an ordinary human will nearly always defeat a zombie.  Zombies lack the intelligence to do anything but eat, whereas humans are expert tool-users.  Liches, however, will nearly always defeat an ordinary human.  This is because the process of becoming a lich either tends to result in an increase in power and ability after undeath or happens because the pre-undeath individual was already quite powerful and that power carried over into the new lich-nature.

The only real similarity is both liches and zombies have died.  Now to relate this to Jesus is quite simple.  If you look at Jesus’ actions after death; he retains his memory of his pre-resurrection life (he recognizes Mary Magdalene, Peter, Thomas, and the other disciples); he moves at the same speed as ordinary humans (reference him walking with 2 men on the way to Emmaus); he doesn’t eat people, he eats fish (right after the journey to Emmaus); and he retains the “power” he had before the resurrection (no record of extra healings, but he is able to teleport, alter is appearance somewhat, and fly).

Now I will be the first to admit that this comparison isn’t perfect, but I think it fits both Biblically and culturally to refer to Jesus as a Lich (nevermind the fact that he is set apart as King of Kings, and therefore the Lich-King).  I know some Christians will likely be unhappy with this comparison, but remember how Paul acted at the Aeropagus, as well as St Patrick and many others, who made use of things pagans would understand in order to preach the gospel.  Either way, I encourage questions, comments, and criticisms as I seek to better polish this little thought.